On Ethics: Open the marriage, close the door
By RANDY COHEN
Jan. 28, 2010, 5:55PM

Q: My husband and I practice polyamory, aka ethical nonmonogamy. We are open about this to friends but are unsure what to disclose to others. Our housekeeper might have seen me in bed with my boyfriend. Must I explain? When I travel for business, I sometimes take my boyfriend. Must I fill in a co-worker I see only occasionally? I don’t want to hide my affection for my boyfriend or make anyone uncomfortable.

— NAME WITHHELD, San Francisco

A: You have no duty to decode your connubial arrangements for mere acquaintances. Nor need you make them feel comfortable or reassure them that their views on marriage and monogamy are universally held.

But if you choose to relieve their consternation, you might be guided by the advice of a polyamorous friend who, speaking of similar situations, told me via e-mail: “I figure the best policy is to behave as if nothing inappropriate is happening. My feeling is that the best way to make other people comfortable is to act as comfortable as possible.” It seems that you are also mindful of your own tranquillity, a reasonable thing but not a matter of ethics, which is something more concerned with the effect of our actions on others.

There are two other people who are strongly affected here: your husband and your boyfriend. Their reputations could be sullied by folks who misconstrue your situation. You should discuss with those two how much they’d like you to disclose.

As to your housekeeper, my friend says, “That’s tricky when you think someone may have seen you in bed, because even a monogamous couple might feel a little awkward about that.” Indeed. That’s why God created doors. That close. And lock. It is also possible to obtain something called a “calendar” on which you can record the dates when your housekeeper is expected, dates when you can deploy that “door.”

What you’ve learned is that people approach this model with many, many different intentions and needs, and that these can shift and change over time. Non-monogamy can be exhilarating when it works but, when it’s challenging, it’s gut-wrenching. The bottom line: in every relationship, each person’s expectations and personality deeply affect its chances of success.

It’s easy to assume when we meet someone who also chooses non-monogamy (not polyamory - that’s a whole other kettle of fish) that this commonality implies others. Overjoyed (and sometimes a little smug) to meet someone else who’s chosen a sexually unconventional lifestyle, we forget to read the fine print. Or we read the fine print but, as feelings change, it gets blurry.

Non-monogamists often express frustration when monogamists say people choose non-monogamy because they can’t commit. While I understand that irritation, I can also see that non-monogamy may allow people to keep others, even their primary partners, at a distance.

Just as a lot of people default to monogamy because they can’t handle jealousy, some default to non-monogamy because they can’t tolerate their independence being compromised. Fair enough. They’ve found a way to maintain their autonomy. Their loyalty to their relationship per se is not up for debate, but it is very much on terms that can feel incompatible with real intimacy.

I think the only way to know what you want out of this type of relationship is the same as in any other: experiment, perhaps painfully, until you recognize your own needs and limitations and are able to express them clearly.

But again, even when you’ve been clear, things can sometimes change radically. Welcome to getting involved with people and pulling your pants down in front of them, no matter what model you choose.

If you haven’t read it already, Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up (Cleis Press) is a book you might want to look at. Taormino interviews more than 100 couples who have done non-monogamy in its countless variations, and they share with her their successes and failures. It’s a good guide to have along on your voyage.

Questions? Comments? Contact Sasha at pouledeluxe@yahoo.com.

Gay marriage is so last decade; polyamory is in, newspaper says
Wednesday, January 06 2010 06:08 | By Ginger Q. Lawless

This news isn’t going to go over well at Focus on the Family: the new way to live the dream, perhaps, is polyamory, which means “many loves.” Those who practice it have multiple lovers and “poly” as it’s also called, has a very full spectrum of possibility. You might have a couple in a primary relationship who then have one or more secondary relationships. There’s also polyfidelity, in which three or more people are mutually exclusive. There are also love circles where the possibilities are endless.

It sounds like a racy topic, but it is mainstream enough to have recently been featured in The Boston Globe.

What makes polyamory different from cheating boils down to the C-word (no, not that one): Consent. Each and every member of a polyamorous chain, whether with three links or thirty, knows about everyone else.

Still, basic human emotions such as jealousy and abandonment fears still can come up. Responsible non-monogamous partnerships take note from Dossie Easton, a therapist who co-wrote the poly bible, “The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures.”

“Most of us will have to deal with challenging emotional responses to new experiences as we move into more openness in our relationships, and work to find ease and security beyond guarantees of love based on sexual exclusivity,” says Easton.

Cultures Monogamous and Polyamorous

By G. Tracy Mehan, III on 1.8.10 @ 6:07AM

In all of human history, the culture of monogamy has never encountered the type of competition it faces now. We must engage.
—Patrick F. Fagan, Ph.D.

What is known as the “culture war” in America can be characterized in terms of the polarities it represents: red versus blue states, the mommy party versus the daddy party, the culture of death versus the culture of life, the culture of dependency versus enterprise, Palinistas versus Pelosians.

Now we have a new, intellectually audacious conceptualization of the struggle as proposed by Dr. Patrick F. Fagan, a former Deputy Assistant Secretary for Family and Community Policy at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services under President George H.W. Bush, who is also a psychologist with a doctorate in social policy from University College Dublin:

The culture of the traditional family is now in intense competition with a very different culture. The defining difference between the two is the sexual ideal each embraces. The traditional family of Western civilization is based on lifelong monogamy. The competing culture is “polyamorous,” normally a serial polygamy, but also increasingly polymorphous in its different sexual expressions.

Monogamy versus polyamory. Fagan describes this great divide in an article in the latest issue of Touchstone which is based on a talk (PDF) he gave this past August to the World Congress of Families in Amsterdam. His description of these contending worldviews is clinical, yet bracing in its implications for the fate of the family, the culture and American society as a whole.

Last weekend, the cover of the Boston Globe Sunday magazine featured a good story about a topic I know well: polyamory. In Love’s New Frontier, Globe writer Sandra Miller did a far better job explaining this approach to relationships than most mainstream publications do. No wide-eyed, mock-shock sensationalism.

As a polyamorous person, I was rather tickled that this topic got such prominent play. I figured: Cool! There goes a chunk of the vocabulary gap!

If you haven’t heard the term, polyamory means being open to having more than one intimate relationship at a time, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Yes, I realize any new term sounds awkward until you get used to it. So: Get used to it. Because here’s what the vocabulary gap looks like to a poly person…

WHEN WORDS FAIL

Whenever the subject of relationships comes up, if I mention something that indicates I’m not monogamous, usually I see raised eyebrows. If I clarify that I’m poly, usually I get blank stares. Most people haven’t heard that word.

…Yes, moving to the Bay Area has helped ease that social awkwardness — but it’s still surprisingly common, even here.

Usually when people first hear the word polyamory, they immediately conflate it with infidelity, patriarchal polygamy, sex-focused swinging, or dysfunction. Occasionally they may already have some grasp of some aspects of polyamory — but rarely do they possess a vocabulary for it that’s not either exclusionary (“non-monogamous”), derisive (“promiscuous,” “cheating with permission,” or “can’t really commit”), or deliberately vague (“open”).

That’s not their fault. I don’t feel personally insulted by this vocabulary gap. But it is a problem.